God is so amazing and he makes me feel so special.  I just can't say enough about this today.  I'm tired, and I know I need sleep but all i want to do is write about this and talk about this.  I mean in my life I have been very fortunate to always have God moving.  I look back at how i even came to be saved and see that God was doing something just for me.  That love right there can never be matched.  There are billions upon billions of people in this world that God loves and cares for, yet he has this way of doing things for all of us to let us know he's there.

     See tonight we talked about miracles.  There are times when I have wished that I lived during the age of miracles so I could see Jesus perform some of the amazing feats that he did.  Walking on water, raising the dead, and calming a raging storm.  I mean it's simply amazing.  What else can you even say.  I've found myself believing that miracles don't really happen any more but they do... every single day and we just look right past them.

     When I look at my life I realize taht the fact that I am even saved is a miracle in its self.  I have a great family, don't get me wrong.  They love me and would do anything in the entire world for me, but they are not church going people.  My parents are both saved it's just that they don't attend regularly.  I just know that during 7th grade I started going to church with a person who randomly asked me to go one time and I felt like I just needed to keep going back.  For 3 years I went back and finally I got saved.  I mean that is a miracle right there.  My family dind't go to church, and they didn't care one way or the other whether I did or not.  I mean they were happy that I was going but if I just decided that i dind't want to go they wouldn't say anything about it.  yet somehow at 13 though i lacked any knowledge of the bible and God, himself... I felt something and knew that was where I needed to be.  I knew it for 3 years.  I mean my attention span is worse than a flies in evyer other aspect of my life... yet i did the same thing for 3 years...

     So i get saved on February 21, 2004.  On February 28, 2004 I went with my church to see the passion of the Christ and on February 29, 2004 i was baptized.  It's all so amazing and it kept me on fire for God for a very long time.  That is divine intervention to the max.  Yet another way God has made me feel special.

     It saddens me that we over look all the amazing things God does for us on a regular basis, and all the miracles that he has performed.  I mean I just have this whole new insight it seems like from simply being asked the same question Jesus asked his closest followers on that boat over 2000 years ago, "Where is your faith?"

     I'm sure I've done nothing more than ramble but I just want to keep going on and on and telling everyone.  However I'm going to stop because I try to cut myself off at midnight from the computer.  I hope everyone in the whole world reads this and at least considers the fact that God is a whole lot more amazing than what we give him credit for!

This frustration is climbing to an all new level.  I've absolutely never been faced w/ more confusion and conflicting emotions then i am right now.  I wish that I could control other ppl's emotions... and if not that, at least my own... but I dont' even have that...

I'M

ABOUT

TO

LOSE

IT....

Seriously... what is a girl to do... i don't know ne more... i honestly dont know

I have spent the greater part of my teenage years w/ a broken heart... and each team something ends I lose a little bit more of was at one time a heart.  Each time a relationship ends I think i will never be able to go on... and there, right as I'm on the verge of a breakdown, stands someone who at least for that moment seems to make it right.  I've sworn over and over that I'm done with relationships.  This last breakup was harder on me than any has ever  been before... yet for some reason I'm following my heart.... or at least what's left of it.  The hope that one day something is not going to end in heartbreak is the only thing that keeps me going on.  To say it in a sports analogy... which is something that I am a big fan of... You'll never make a shot you don't take.... So it looks like I'm gonna take a shot... sure it might not fall, but what if it does?  What if it ends up being exactly what I need?  Here's another good spot to insert a cliche: "never regret ne thing from your past, because at one point in time it was exactly what you wanted." 

I think it will be a lot better to look back at this portion of my life years from now and think, "well maybe it dind't work out there, but at least i tried." instead over the terrible "what if's..."  I mean life really is all about taking chances... Not to be confused w/ constantly pushing the limits though.  I know there are some things I have chosen not to do that I won't regret, like drinking and all that stuff... but other thigns... I mean I do worry... I worry about the people I never gave a chance to be my friend... or maybe it's ppl who haven't given me a chance.  in either case, all the friendships and relationships I could have built but never have, and probably never will... it saddens me...

iono i'm just rambling at this point... the main thing here is I'm optimistic of what is before me...

I think I'm going to write some nonsense just so that last post is in the history... it was depressing and, well, let's face it, scary.  However, I haven't got one thing of interest to say.  I am kind of hoping that if i just keep rambling something good will sort of spill out... which isn't all that likely... but i'll try for the few devoted readers of this page.

Life... shew. Breathe in, breathe out. Take in all that you can, which is noramlly just confusion. Nothing is wrong... nothing at all. Everything that is "wrong" with my life can be fixed: I mean time heals all wounds... right? If that's so, then why is my mind at war with itself? Like some complex chemical equation... accept nothing can make the chemicals balance, and nothing can explain how I feel. I'm neither happy nor sad... I guess this feeling of emptiness is just a phase- but it is really hard on a person. Winter... wow I hate it. It evokes feelings in me that I dont like. The cold is bitter and stinging. Unforgiving. Everything is dead or dying... maybe that is what brings this on? My life is actually great at the moment... but I always feel that at any moment it could all be gone. Like the leaves suddenly fall from the trees and turn to winter... the good in my life can fall just like that... leaving me bare and exposed to the world. Winter... maybe it's not so bad... but it leaves me with one question... What am I so afraid of?

     I love God- I really do.  But lately I have come up with a long list of reasons why I am infinately angry with him.  First of all, let's face it- rapture is coming.  The seasons are all wrong, false teachings are consuming the world, there are horrible disasters wiping out hundreds of thousands... I mean it's all so obvious.

     It just seems so unfair that i will never get to live.  I mean I have made a lot of mistakes in my life trying to "live" and I do regret them.  But since I gave my life to Christ almost two years ago, I've given all that up.  In 18 years I have NEVER had sex.  It is out of devotion to God and only that.  If not for that, I would have done it a long time ago.  It's not as if I've not had the opportunity.  It was a belief that I would one day meet the man of my dreams and be married and do it the Christian way.  But that is never going to happen.  Time is running out.  I don't have time to marry.  I will never know what it's like to wake up and just be so utterly in love that it takes the wind from me.  I will never know what it is like to have children.  I'll never get to feel how it feels to just look at my own child and see them and just love them.  It's just so unfair.  I will never get to experience a life outside of this Russell/Flatwoods area.  There is so much more to the world than what I have experienced- all of it created by God, and I will never know any of it.  I have signed to play softball in college, and I truly believe that the world will end before I experience college.

     Let me say it again- I love God.  The Lord has given and blessed me with everything that I have and has made me all that I am.  I am not worthy of one bit of it.  So why does it hurt so much to knwo that it will all be taken away.  I know that God has a great plan for me.  I am saved and I love him and I love sharing him with others.  But that's not to say it means my life is simple, because it's not.  Sometimes I think people get this idea that being a Christian makes your life perfect... and it doesn;t at all... The further I go, the more detatched I feel.  Right now the only thing that keeps me holding on in Christ and he mighty strength.

     I'm pathetic... believe me I already know